CHANGES
March 1, 11:33 amRecently I was thinking about how many changes have occurred in my lifetime. Some of them are okay, a few are even right... but for the most part, the changes have not been good. I will list just some of the things that I grew up knowing, believing, and doing. My grandchildren will not know any of this, except by history. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to see what changes should never have been made. As I recall changes I will type them. Some changes were life-changing events, while others were only a minor blip: they are not in order as to their importance.
When I was a child: seat belts were not even included in the back seats of cars... and no one was required to buckle up.
When I was a child: no one ever used landfills: people burned their garbage in their own backyard.
When I was a child: it was illegal in America to kill un-birthed babies.
When I was a child: the government run (public) school system (every morning) had public prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance was recited in our classrooms.
When I was a child: every store was closed on Sunday out of respect for God, it was called the Sunday blue law.
When I was a child: kids in public schools never killed other kids in the public schools.
When I was a child: America had never been attacked on their homeland by a bunch of heathen Muslims.
When I was a child: neither “pc” was known; not the hated “Political Correctness” nor the personal computer.
When I was a child: many states still had segregated areas (schools, water-fountains, restrooms, etc.) for blacks and whites.
When I was a child: the man who was elected to the office of the President of the United States... had to have experience and was actually respected.
When I was a child: VCR's, cell phones, beepers, and a trip to the moon... were all only considered in the realm of science fiction.
When I was a child: the KJV Bible was the most respected and best selling book in the world.
When I was a child: kids actually found more fun playing outdoors than indoors.
When I was a child: pay phones were on every corner and cost a dime to use.
When I was a child: a postage stamp was 3 cents.
When I was a child: gasoline was 29 cents per gallon and the man who pumped it would clean your windshield and check your oil for free.
When I was a child: “snail mail” (USPS) was the only game in town and if you would have ever written “email” on something it would have not been understood by anyone.
(I'm going to stop there for a moment and give you a long list of changes in the lives of many that have been caused by “friends” who forward emails. lol)
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery...
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have anyone put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
(For the ladies) I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face: disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
(For the ladies) I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
(For the ladies) I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
(For the ladies) AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.
If you ever get this notice as an email... keep in mind the following fact: if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . ..
Oh, by the way..
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Before finishing my list I will tell you a story of something I did as a young man that would most probably... because of PC be impossible to see today. You'll have to decide whether it was good or bad. I was a young teenager with a date on my arm and I took her to a local carnival.
After we rode some rides we went to a back-lot area where they had their sideshow tents: fat lady... bearded lady... but my eyes fell on the sign for the carnival geek. That's actually what the sign said... CARNIVAL GEEK. Then, underneath that it said that for only 50 cents you could watch him eat a live animal. Now, admittedly I was young, but even then I knew that if I wanted a pretty young girl in my arms one quick way was to get her frightened or grossed out. I paid the dollar and we went inside.
A little skinny guy wearing old trousers and shirtless was seated on a stool in the middle of a little cage. After everyone was inside he began telling how hungry he was as he looked about him on the sawdust floor at all of the little creatures hopping and crawling around his feet. He picked up a frog... brought it to his mouth as all of the girls in the tent shrieked and all of the guys grinned, as the girls clutched arms and necks.
The little Geek grinned and showed very bad teeth... the girls clutched tighter... then, he dropped the frog. He did this several more times... by now I was practically holding off the floor the girl I was with. For about the third time he had selected a different snake... this time though he had picked up about a fat, three foot one and holding it by the tail he quickly and expertly cracked it like a bull-whip: the head flew off and the girls shrieked even louder.
Deliberately, and slowly he peeled the skin back until all you could see was a fat-white body. Then, while wildly grinning he bit deep into the neck and started chewing. He really was a Geek! The bearded lady and the fat lady had nothing on this guy.
I will say though that I was extremely grateful to the little Geek for getting the pretty blond in my arms. (lol)
Also, by comparison, I'm not kidding about this... and because the times were so different and obesity was mostly unknown in America in the '60's, the lady they advertised as “the fat lady” would look like the “after picture” from every girl who has ever been on The Biggest Loser.
Besides, no one would anymore pay for what you can see for free. Go to any all-you-can-eat buffet in America on any given day... and you will see a roomful of men and women who (by comparison) would have made that lady look like their poor skinny sister from Ethiopia.
As far as weight in America, from the '50's until today the change in mindset is unbelievable. As a kid, one of my favorite authors was Rex Stout. The series I really liked involved Nero Wolfe as a crime solving sleuth and Archie Goodwin as his loyal sidekick.
Nero was supposed to be a genius who was very obese. Archie would constantly make snide remarks about his great girth, and tremendous size. In fact, one of the funniest lines in literature is something that Archie said about his boss, Nero. If I don't have it verbatim you'll just have to forgive me. It was probably 30 years ago I read the line and I can't even recall which of his many books it was in?
Archie noticed that his boss wasn't as closely shaved as he ought to have been. And he wondered to himself why? Then he thought... “Well, it must be hard to shave a wrinkle.” roflol!!! If you don't think that's funny... there is no hope for you. This is 30 years later and I'm sitting here typing and smiling like a fool. It's still funny... 30 years later. “WELL, IT MUST BE HARD TO SHAVE A WRINKLE!!!”
Other than to just amuse myself, there really is another reason I am telling that story. In all of the books I ever read about Nero Wolfe he was always described as monstrously fat. Finally, in one of his books after remarking how huge Wolfe was... Archie makes a guess at his weight. His guess... drum roll please: 250 pounds. 250 pounds! Are you kidding me. His entire body would weigh less than Rosie O'Donnell's left leg! You see, there is the difference: in the '50's and '60's... 250 pounds was considered huge and grossly overweight... today, that would be a target goal and an “after” picture for tens of millions of Americans.
Also, along the same lines of no need to have to pay to see fat people... because they are everywhere. Why would anyone today pay to see a Geek eat a small, recently dead uncooked animal when you can go to any sushi bar and see a roomful of present day Geeks eat small, recently dead uncooked fish. YUCK!!!
One more thing.
When I was a child: Al Gore had not yet invented the Internet, or Global Warming... Oh, for the good ol' days!
You can always email me at clarkmatthews1@aol.com
posted by Robin Johnson @ 11:39 AM
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