Saturday April 16, 2011 3:30 am
Have you ever watched a movie... two times in a row? Perhaps if you are really into movies that might not be an uncommon occurrence for you? However, for me this was a first. Although the movie was good, with an elaborate and well-thought storyline, and the special effects were second to none... that is not the reason I watched the same movie through for a second time. The first time I sat there and saw all of the images dance across the screen, and I even heard the words... but, I really didn't see the images, nor did I really hear the words... no, not the first time. (I will say though out of all of the vampire movies I have ever seen... if I could have my choice of who might bite me on the neck... well, it would probably have to be Selene.)
I decided to open with that paradox... seeing something and not seeing... hearing something and not hearing... because as little sense as that might make, that is how I am feeling about many things. So, for you, the occasional reader to my blog... hop on and hopefully you can enjoy this short ride down my particular rabbit hole.
At what point in life does any of us have it all figured out? And the “it” I am referring is life. Is it during our teenage years? I guess I thought so at one time. I mean, had you met me then I seemed to have all the answers? Just ask me. Life was certainly more simple and easier. No entanglements, work when you want, date who you want... yep, it all seemed fairly easy.
I suppose that it was in my 20's that I REALLY had all the answers: again, just ask me. This might be hard for some to believe who would read this today, but if you knew me then you would already have known this about me. That entire decade I never even paused a single time to wonder about such things as happiness, or contentment. In fact, none of the things that many spend their entire lives in search for... I never even gave a thought to them. I suppose that I was just so cocksure of myself that I wouldn't even consider such beggarly topics as those. No, not me, I was above that particular fray.
And the foolish part of that is I was actually admired by some people for having it all together. In reality though, I think it was nothing more than the movie I watched the first time this evening... I just wasn't really paying any attention. I had a particular friend who was a few years older than I was and many times he would unburden himself to me and I would patiently listen and offer my advice as I was asked. Inevitably he would ask when he was all done talking if there was anything I might need to tell him? “No, not really,” I would always say. And the honest truth was there wasn't anything I needed to talk about. Because, again... there was no question I could be asked that I didn't have a ready answer for.
I began to realize in my 30's that I had fewer answers and more questions... this was quite a revelation to me. Now, I never had any great epiphany or eureka moment when I suddenly realized that I was not half as bright as some had thought. No, this new self-awareness was gradual, as even that took a little while to sink in. At this point in life every single answer I had heretofore known... were all revisited with probing questions. In time I learned to dislike both the questions and the answers. Why wasn't life like it was before? Admittedly I was ignorant about so many things in my teens and 20's, but, at least during those years I was “blissfully” ignorant.
When my three older daughters were all very young, each one, and at different times in their young lives I would have them sit on my knees facing me and I would hold their little hands in mine and I would swing their arms back-and-forth in time to the verse: then, in a sing-song voice I would recite Humpty-Dumpty to them.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!
(Now, after I had recited this part, they would always join in and together we would finish with: “Poor old Humpty Dumpty!”) I thought of that this morning as I realized that once something is broken... irrevocably broken, just like poor old Humpty Dumpty, it really can't ever be put back together again.
I do have at least one consolation as I sit here and type this morning. It is the steady and rhythmic breathing and snoring from Virgil. He was asleep beside me on the couch as I watched the movie the second time... and within seconds of my shutting everything down and coming in here, the poor little guy followed me in and dropped down on his bed by my feet, and promptly fell into a deep sleep! Does anyone know if it's okay to be envious of a dog?
I suppose I am at the place in life where if you asked me ten different questions on ten different topics... I can still give an answer to every single question. But, here is where I am so much different than I was just 20 years ago. Ask me just one question... any question, about any single thing... and still, I can give you ten answers to that single question... and each answer, will be different!
If I leave this up for several days there will be some who read this and know my background and belief system. If that is you, never fear... I am not doubting what I believe about the Bible or any truths as they relate to doctrine... it is just life in general... or at least my life in general that I have no idea what I am going to do with it.
In summation I think that every single thing from this point and backwards... I realize I never really had any true answers: not about life anyway. And now, today, this morning and at 55 year of age... for every “answer” I think I might have? I have ten more questions about those answers, which (of course) I only thought I knew anyway?
It's now approaching 4:30 am and I awoke at this same time just 24 hours ago... only then I had to get ready for work... now 24 hours later and I'm not yet tired. Usually I can lay down and sleep for a few hours... but over the course of the last 20 years there have been just too many nights like this one: where in approximately two hours I will begin to see light through the window to my right first... then little by little the black through the window I am facing... will start to turn to lighter shades of geay. Then, I will know the Y is open and I can go there and see others, who like me are up early to start another day.
My dad used to tell stories about some brilliant scientists at a place he worked for in Ohio who could go days at a time without sleep, as in their minds they were wrestling with some obscure facts or formulas. I suppose to lose sleep because one is so bright that sleep is deemed unimportant or an impediment in their quest for truth, is one thing... and perhaps even to be admired. But to be average and ordinary in every way, and still not sleep: well, that bites!
You can always email me at clarkmatthews1@aol.com
posted by Robin Johnson @ 4:36 AM
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