Sunday, February 19, 2012

MEMORIES

Sunday February 19, 2012 2:22 PM

Scientists will state that unequivocally the human mind, at least the male species, will begin to lose some capacity and especially as it relates to memory at age 45. Now I know that these are just averages, but I am many years the other side of that number and in my case it isn't so. In that regard I feel like Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button as his character begins to reverse the aging process. Of course (and sadly) I'm still aging: but, my memory is not only still keen, I seem to be recalling things to the minutest detail. Even some things I would do better to forget ):

I have always been able to recall dates and times, places, etc. that are important to me... now those events seem to be inescapable for me and I find myself rehearsing them in my mind. I honestly wish there was a happy medium for me: Although I honestly mourn and feel sorrow for those who lose their memory or suffer from some mental impairment, but at the same time I also know that they are incapable of grieving or feeling loss for something (or someone) for whom they have no memory. I guess I am not sure which way would be better?

My mother-in-law was physically blind and when I used to watch her walk I would sometimes wonder would she have been happier if she had been born blind... rather than to have lost her eyesight in her '30's. I reasoned that if she had been born blind then it would be impossible to feel loss for something she had never known. However, having been sighted and then to lose that... well, I imagined that would be the greater loss?

But, I have come to know first-hand that you can feel grief and a great sense of loss even for something you have never had. And I try to reason with myself and I ask,,, how is that even possible? For that question I have repeatedly asked myself... I still don't know the answer, I just know it's possible.

Early in December I set out to change that and I set a course which I thought would help me to get past... go through, run sideways, whatever... just somehow change direction from where I had been and (possibly) where I was headed? What a joke I played on myself. Today, as I sit here and type I realize I still have the same memories... just added guilt.

Perhaps it is because I am at my weakest as I am awaking from sleep and for just a few seconds I have to actually remind myself to breathe as I awake with a thought or memory that completely crushes and takes my breath away. Once I begin to be fully awake I can usually rationalize and force myself to think about something else... and I am okay again? Sometimes I believe that is why I don't like falling asleep. Because I can't seem to control what I might dream or those first thoughts upon waking. Sleeps overrated anyway. (Lol)

I had a friend many years ago and her name was Lilie, I used to tease her that she was the only person I knew who thought taking an afternoon nap was having a good time. (Maybe in teasing her I was just jealous that she could so easily sleep?)

I suppose if wishes could come true I would wish to have the same memories and feelings without the insufferable and hopeless feelings of loss and sadness for what could never be. Well, I'm weary with thinking... so, "I think" I am going for a swim! (lol)

posted by Robin Johnson @ 2:13 PM