The Treasure Hunt

Wednesday January 1, 2014 7:46 pm

I have been sitting here at my desk in my small office for the last hour or so and looking at pictures and replaying past events of my life and I suppose in a sense just trying to get some idea of my life? Is it sustainable at present? Naturally I am not meaning in a physical sense because in reality none of us have that answer. No, I guess I'm trying to imagine if I can keep on doing what I'm doing? And the resounding answer in my brain, heart, soul....... or wherever it is that I keep hearing that very loud screaming resonating from, the answer is, “NO!” So, I have been trying to formulate (in my mind) some sort of plan or timetable and each time I come up against some obstacle that seems as if I can't do this as quickly as I want! Yet, how much longer must I wait before I do this... if ever? The first day of this New Year I have resolved in my heart to change, that is to make changes, now I guess there is nothing left but to start.

There is no way to know where this newfound resolve will take me or even if I finally get “there,” wherever the h+%# there is... I don't know if I'll even be happier, more satisfied, or find myself in that ultimate condition: contentment!

In my mind I have been counting my losses, those who are no longer a real part of my life and will now only be with me in my heart and mind... though that isn't nearly enough it is all that I have so I cling to it! I suppose I should have begun this blog with that last sentence because for awhile now and culminating today it is for those reasons that I need a change! I feel suffocated at times and I'm weary feeling this way. If I live an average lifespan of a man, and taking into consideration my present age and if I were born at 12:00 last evening and were to die in a 24 hour span then it is approximately 8:00 pm: and I have 4 hours left to live! So, I'm thinking... it's either soon that I change, else I will not have any opportunity to change.

There was a movie I watched 15-16 years ago which had Anthony Hopkins playing a billionaire and he was exceedingly intelligent. It was a rather good movie and I have seen it twice. My favorite scene in it though is one where this very successful man (that is by worldly standards) takes stock of his life and he realizes he just isn't happy, and he states that he is going to “change.” Although, when he is challenged in that thought by Baldwin (Bob) then Hopkins admits that he never really knew anyone who had actually done that: that is change. So, even understanding that it was a movie and not the end all in human wisdom I do concur that change is difficult for anyone, and especially if you are wanting to change and yet cause the least disruption to those around you who might be adversely affected.

I suppose there is some great discussion on the authorship of whoever it was who first stated, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Therefore, I will not try and credit the author since no one seems to know for certain? Albeit, the sentiment expressed is a good one. So hopefully I won't stay in the same way I've been, that is 'doing the exact same things over and over' and expecting change to just happen?

I'm getting ready to shower and go out for awhile as I've been for the most part living the life of an unmarried person for the last couple of days, with two more to go. But, before I end this I would like to say that I miss (terribly) certain love's of my life: among them is my dear friend, Virgil!

For all who reads these words and wherever life takes any in this New Year I pray your trip and experiences are of the happy variety!