WAKE UP!
February 23, 2011 11:00 am (Happy birthday... Steph)
Have you ever been tired in body... tired in mind? Which one do you believe is worse?
For me, at least, being tired in body never seemed too bad. I mean, usually that would be that I have either worked or played hard and because of that I was weary. And, in either of those cases, soon, I would feel good again. So, it might be different for every other person who might read this... but, to me it is far worse to be tired in your own mind.
Years ago I saw a movie with Robin Williams and it was called, Awakenings. It was based on a true story and the premise was of a doctor (played by Williams) who finds himself on a ward with several patients who had experienced encephalitis, and for many of them this had happened decades before. Anyway, he finds a “cure” with the use of a new drug and these patients who beforehand had been comatose... begins to “wake up.”
Tragically for them this miracle drug did not produce a lasting effect: but, at least for awhile... they did wake up! Sometimes I feel like I have been sort of sleepwalking for the last 20 years or so. Not exactly like in Awakenings, nor is it the story of Rip Van Winkle: though his duration in absentia and mine were approximately the same number of years. And, of course, I have Virgil and he had Wolf: nonetheless, it is still a sort of sleep I have endured.
In writing this I do not mean to imply that during this time I have not seen and experienced many wonderful things... for that would be patently untrue! Our family has grown and I have seen three wonderful young men marry my girls. Each now have growing families of their own and I have experienced the exceeding great joy of little boys and girls when they see me coming crying out, “Grandpa!” (And then having them run into my arms... that is pretty spectacular!)
There has been many other things that have happened which has also caused me to have joy in my heart: however, I find in looking back that I haven't so much lived my life (by jumping into the fray as I used to do) instead, I have been letting life just come to me: but, I think... no more! I believe I will sleep again when I'm dead, but not until then.
Have you ever woken from a long dream and some of it was good and some of it was bad? You sort of lay there for awhile and sort things out in your mind: then you stretch your arms and legs and you feel the muscle and sinew grow taught... and you know you are doing this in preparation for your body to start moving as you prepare to greet a new day! Well, that's where I'm at right now, In my mind I'm sorting things out and also stretching my body to see what I am still capable of? I can not believe that simply through lack of caring I let myself become what I became... in both body and mind.
Each time I leave the gym now I find I am just a little bit stronger. I am not yet even lifting half what I did at 36... but I'm not done yet! I am not where I used to be, nor where I will be again... but I am no longer just going to sit around and wait for life to happen?
And, of course, getting into shape physically is only one part of what I am hoping to accomplish... perhaps not even the most important part? However, this is my starting point. Beyond that... we'll see? Also, in what I am trying to do with the rest of my life I am going to try and follow a particular dictum found in the Hippocratic Oath which is taken by doctors. At least the part that states to “never do harm to anyone.” I am not even sure that is possible?
Right now though I am taking baby-steps... with a short trek coming up next month. However, I might do as “last minute” did on his hike. He started a couple of days hike on the AT and five months later, and 13 states removed from his starting point: he finished!
If you read this and you have a dream, big or small... what are you waiting on: better get started!
You can always email me at clarkmatthews1@aol.com
Dance, Just Dance
Sunday February 6, 8:00 pm
Last year, I suppose because the Colts were in it, I had a little more interest in the outcome of the Super Bowl... not that I even have a favorite team anymore: but because of proximity to where I presently live I occasionally watch the Colts whenever they play. However, because the HD on our television is not picking up ABC... I won't be watching any of the game tonight. Instead, I decided to write some on my blog. This will be a little different this evening because I am starting to type with only the vaguest of notions as to what my topic will be. (I think I am going to write about introspection.)
More than likely: not a single soul, and even among those who sometimes read what I blog about will be logging on to see if I have anything new tonight. There was a time, when I used to be more faithful in writing and for someone like myself who is really only known by a few people... that I had large numbers of people who would read whatever I was blogging about. Now though, as I have been less and less faithful about writing I have seen a steady decline of people who read what I write.
Once, many years ago I was teaching a class to some young boys who had expressed an interest in the ministry... and I was trying to convey the point that in sermon preparation they needed to make sure they put all they had into it, in that way as the church bells rang out and people came to “be fed,” then, because of sound preparation by the preacher those who came would like what they heard... and return the next appointed time as the bells again sounded because they would know that they would be “fed.”
With that analogy in mind I told them what causes many churches to stagnate and lose people is that even though it is time for church and the bells have been ringing... no one comes because the last time they were supposed to be “fed” the meal was of poor quality, so now the sheep are going to another shepherd to be fed. (I told them that farm animals are trained to come running when they hear the sound of the dinner-bell. However, start ringing the bell for a few days in a row... yet put no food in their trough as they show up, and very soon you could ring the bell until your arm is weary and they will not come... because they are not being fed when they do show up. (My point back then was to just show the importance of working hard, being consistent, and doing good preparation and you will get and be able to maintain a faithful following. Of course, do as I have done... have a blog and only sporadically write on it... and soon the numbers will dwindle: from a few thousand, at one time... to hundreds... to dozens... and perhaps there will be a day when I will write... and I will be the only soul who ever reads it.)
Because that day might be fast approaching where the numbers are so low, or my interest in recording my own thoughts on paper have waned to the point that I cancel my account: I thought I might write something tonight that really has the potential to help someone. (In order to do that I will have to expose certain things about me... but that has never bothered me in the past... so, I'm sure it won't now.)
Now, comes the introspection part I had previously alluded that I was considering as my topic. Also, when I write what I next write... believe me, I am not looking for absolution, comfort, ... or some praise. I am trying to be honest and by doing that... maybe I can help someone?
I have done many things in my life... truly many things: and for some of those things I have even had formal training: but for most I had none. Yet, in looking back through the years I can find none... not a single one that I did well! (Please, for my friends who read this... please don't write to me saying anything to the contrary.) I am only hoping that by being honest with my assessment of my life I can help someone who maybe would try other things in their own lives, but they are afraid that they might fail, or that they would not be good enough to do it. I have to tell you... it's never stopped me.
It might well have been said of me that I had a face for radio and a voice for the shower. But, I have been on television and I have sung in public. Did I do either well... no! But, I still did them! Several years ago I heard a song on the radio and it was called... I Hope You Dance... and the first time I heard it I thought: that's me. I knew in my heart that I was never going to be the best at anything... but that never stopped me from doing things that I wanted to try.
I have read great authors who write thrilling stories and I know I haven't their ability... but I still wrote. I enjoy reading poems written by people with great minds and large talent, and I'll never do what they have done... but I still write them.
Without any training whatsoever I preached and taught... then after hearing sermons by men like Hyles, Robertson, and Sunday... I knew I was a pretender... but, that still never stopped me. Now, some of those failings might well have been the fact that I had no training... and that was usually because I figured I didn't want to wait or go through the process? However, even with training and by skilled professionals would not have meant that I might have done any better.
About 18 years ago I decided I wanted to learn to fly a plane. So, I hired an instructor and rented a plane and we took off, literally. Usually a person can solo after 8-10 hours. Somewhere about five I started pestering him that I was ready... he, thought otherwise. So, on flights from Indiana to Louisville I would be in control and watching the instruments for air-speed, altimeter, horizon... and I was usually fooling with the flaps and he would start telling me about “natural” pilots who needed none of those things... They could just fly... and pretty much know what all was going on? He was trying to not so subtly tell me that I was no good. But, I was paying him so he couldn't come out and say that. Anyway... I still wanted to make a complete flight from take-off, through flight and touchdown... as little children say,,, “all by mychelf.”
I suppose I wore him down, or he decided it wasn't really his plane anyway so he didn't care if it was brought back in a single piece or not? Everything on my first flight like that went well until I was returning to the airfield and going to land the plane. As I was just a few feet above the runway... for some reason it seemed to make sense to me that once I had pulled full flaps, and decreased my air speed and had seen a significant chunk of the runway disappear behind me that I should shut it down. So, I did just that. Believe it or not, even a small plane falls like a rock when you quit flying it!
Now, I didn't hit hard enough for the wheels to come through the floorboard... but I guarantee it was a teeth-jarring jolt. Afterwards he kept saying... “You have to fly it all the way to the ground!”
Now, I never particularly took direction well so I pretended that I didn't understand him... so I said, “I thought you weren't supposed to fly it into the ground?”
“No, no,... not “into”... but “to” the ground.”
“Ohhhhh” … I pretended like I got it that time. I'm sure he thought I was the dumbest guy he ever tried to train. As I was leaving I asked him again to repeat himself just so I could make sure I got it? He did! All the way home from the airport I laughed out how stupid he had been to not know I was pulling his leg. And I'm sure all the way home he was laughing at how stupid I was... period!
I am only writing that to show that with, or without training... I was never that good at anything! But, here is the point... that never stopped me! As a kid I might have been the worst dancer on any dance floor... but I still was out there.
For awhile now I have been taking stock of my life... what works and what doesn't... and because of that I will be making some big changes... and I believe sooner rather than later. That is why I decided to write this tonight. I don't know if what I do next I will be any good at it or not: if past history is any indication I will not... again though, I refuse to let that stop me.
So, if you fight and lose... don't quit, be ready to fight again when you have to. If you have loved and lost, don't give up... a lot of even great people have failed at that. I guess I am only hoping to convey that life is a little more than a spectator sport. Or, perhaps it might be enjoyed more if that is your approach.
Sometimes I see my grandchildren doing things and I worry that for a few they will miss out on some fun things in life because I can already tell which ones are backward and are always concerned that someone might be watching them, or they might fail and because of that, they won't even try. And there are a couple that I see who are already really “out-there” and nothing in this world will embarrass or make them afraid... and I fear for them a little also... that they really will try anything and that might lead to a life less secure. So, I admit it's a hard choice in life to determine how you want to live... maybe, somewhere in the middle of what I wrote about my two different types of grandchildren. However, if you have a chance to dance... don't sit it out!
“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger, May you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed, I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance... I hope you dance.”
That is just the first stanza in the song I was referencing. But, it sums up what I think most need to do... and I don't even mean doing something crazy: just make sure as you are living your life that you don't miss out on some fun things simply because you might not do them well. I have lived a lifetime not doing things that well... but I still did them... and you can too!
There is one more part to a stanza of that song I want to include, and in taking recent stock of my life I have decided to make some changes. Here it is.
“Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling along, Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those year have gone.”
You can always email me at clarkmatthews1@aol.com
