The Treasure Hunt
Sunday, March 30, 2014
As the title suggests... emotionally,
mentally, physically, spiritually and even metaphysically: I'm off!
However, for this one title only I'm meaning... work!
I'm so glad to be done for a week (at
least) and heading out Tuesday and happy to be gone for a few days...
even if it is only for a few?
I hope any and all who reads this has a
good week! I'm not sure if I will write anything else before I leave
and most probably nothing while I'm gone? If plans go according to Hoyle... soon I will be drinking tequila and sucking on a big fat Cuban cigar with
my … in the sand and my feet in the ocean!!!
BTW, who the H&*% is Hoyle???
LOVING YOU
Sunday March 30, 2014 10:30 am
Can love change? Can love end? Can love
become hate? No... No... No!!! Not true love, not real love! There is
a famous sonnet by Shakespeare where he likens 'true love' to the
North star. It is simply and forever a fixed and unchanging point of light!
Hurt can cause
doubt! Longing and separation can make love, at times, seem not to even be worth it! However, at the end of the day and despite the hurt, the heartache, the need, the sadness... there is still the present knowledge that love yet endures!!!!!!!
Shakespeare wrote that “love is not love which
alters when it alteration finds...” Simply stated he is saying that regardless what changes might occur in a relationship: love itself can never change!
I love the lines which state
that true love will outlast time! (It gives me hope that in a timeless eternity things will finally work out!) The longest life on Earth when compared to time is so very brief! In this sonnet he compares a life lived in terms of "brief hours and weeks..." But at the end of time... love is still there! “Love alters not with
his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of
doom.” He also wrote that love is, "... not Time's fool..." Though 'time' robs us of all things... even that hateful specter of time can not steal away true love!
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true
minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
The ending is perfect! After
explaining what true love is, he wrote that if he is wrong about it: the idea of true love... then he, Shakespeare, never wrote... and no man ever loved!!! (If this error upon me be proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.)
I think Love, true love can be the
greatest blessing God ever bestowed upon the heart of man. Yet, at
the same time and for myriad reasons... love, true love can be a
damnable curse as well!!! For it can steal away a man's happiness :(
Saturday, March 29, 2014
905
Saturday March 29, 2014 10:40 pm
Have you ever set a date... drawn a
line in the sand... or proclaimed something could now be “set in
stone?” Well, 9:05 pm tonight was my date, my line, and my set in
stone (take it to the bank) proclamation! For better or for worse, I
guess... I just don't really care.
I hope everyone has a good night.
JUST 30 DAYS LEFT :)
Saturday March 29, 2014 8:38 am
As of today I have exactly 30 days to
reach my first phase of my weight loss goals. There are a couple of
reasons why I chose April 27 to be that date to be at the weight I
chose... one of them is that I will be getting my third tattoo on
that date.
At this time I only have one other tattoo planned that I
will ever get. However, that one might still be somewhere farther into my
future? I know what it is... I already have a picture and I know
where I want it: it will be over my heart: still though... it could
be awhile for that one though I am planning on having it one
day.
I work today and tomorrow and then I'm
off for a week! I'm seriously looking forward to being off! It's
raining and cool here this morning but definitely spring is in the
air... finally!!!
In a few minutes I will leave for work so I just wanted to say to any who might read this that I hope you have a safe and fun day today!
In a few minutes I will leave for work so I just wanted to say to any who might read this that I hope you have a safe and fun day today!
Friday, March 28, 2014
WORK... GOTTA HATE IT!
Friday March 28, 2014 1:56 pm
I'm leaving for work in a few minutes
as I close, 3-11... ugh! Then, I work two more and am off for a week. I'll
be leaving for Hilton Head Tuesday and back the following Sunday.
About an hour ago I was heading to
Tammy's (my oldest daughter) house to drop some things off and I was
listening to the radio... I had already heard several songs playing
as I had been out for awhile. Then, I heard the familiar opening
notes to that one song :( I looked at the clock: 12:42. Oh well, it
wasn't the song that was playing as I turned my radio on so I figured
I would try to listen to it all the way through? I couldn't...
hahahaha
Anyway, I think it will be awhile
before I turn the radio on again... at least for me. I will probably
have to have something playing on the trip to the beach so two of my
young granddaughters won't become too bored? However, I will more
than likely stay away from country music stations :)
I hope anyone who reads this has a very
good day today.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
WHAT ARE THE ODDS???
Thursday March 27, 2014 12:16 pm
If there is a true mathematician
out there who reads this I would be interested to find out what is the
statistical probability of something that happened to me yesterday,
and then again this morning? I really like numbers but this equation
is above my understanding on how to figure it?
I also know I would need much more data
to be given a fair chance of knowing it, like the number of songs played per hour, etc. But, I will relate what
happened so that even a person with rudimentary math skills could
tell in an instant it was unusual... to say the least!
Yesterday was a hard day for me so
after 530 pm I decided to leave and sulk and maybe find solace? I figured whiskey sours
might do the trick? I got in my car and started to drive away and I
turned the radio on to a preset station (103.1) and a song was
playing: Mine Would Be You. He was
at the part where he sang, “...The best love ever Girl, can you
tell me the one thing you'd rather die than lose? Cause mine would be
you...” I quickly turned the radio off. I glanced at the time... 5:46 pm.
This station that I usually listen to
is supposed to play no repeats in a day. So, I figured this is a much
liked song and I imagined now must be the time of day it plays on its
rotation?
This morning I had an early appointment so I got in my car and as I was driving away I switched the radio on and
the SAME SONG was playing, but this time he is singing, “... What's
your double dare, your go all in? The craziest thing you ever did?
Plain as your name in this tattoo look on my arm, mine would be
you...” I quickly switched it off. I noticed the time: 8:09 am!
Now, what do you think the odds are
that I get into my car on two separate days: once in the late
afternoon and once in the early morning and switch on a station that
has NO REPEATS in the same day of playing their songs... and THAT SONG
is playing!!!
I swear, if I ever have the courage to
listen to the radio again and if Shelton is somewhere in the middle
of that song when I turn it on then I'm fairly confident I would never voluntarily turn
another radio on in my lifetime... ever!!!
Well, I'm showered and I just put a
necklace around my neck, E (my traveling companion) is with me. My
lucky rock is deep in my right pocket and I just slipped my hiking
bracelet back on my right wrist... where I think it belongs!!!!!!!
Now, I'm
off and I'm hoping to have a happier day today! I also wish the same for any and all who might stumble across my rantings... I wish you too to have a very happy day today!
HEARTACHE
Thursday March 27, 2014 6:07 amI whiled away the early morning hours thinking and reading. No calls or more emails for me, just me and my thoughts. Trust me, that can be pretty scary. I was thinking again this morning that all great songs, poems, and stories are all culled from terrible loss! In this poem her name is Lenore. However, her name isn't important, other than to the one who is grieving her loss. I think that life and men's hearts are almost always filled with ...... ??? It seems that only the names change... but the sadness is universal and all for the very same reason: a love was lost!
THE RAVEN ~ by Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —
This it is and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you" – here I opened wide the door; ——
Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore —
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never – nevermore'."
But the Raven still beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore —
Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —
This it is and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you" – here I opened wide the door; ——
Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore —
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never – nevermore'."
But the Raven still beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore —
Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!
WELL THAT DIDN'T LAST LONG???
Thursday March 27, 2014 12:17 am
I'm tired... really tired but still I won't be able to sleep. I know why. In order to rest and
actually sleep a person has to be able to either turn thoughts off or
at least tamp them down to some bearable degree, and I can do neither
one.
So, I'm sitting in a darkened room (my
office) with the light from my two monitors burning my eyes and I have been just sort of looking around... and not really
seeing anything that I've been looking at. Have you ever done that?
News stories don't capture my imagination and I've already picked up
and started to read three different books that I like and have read before: yet, I can't get past
the first few pages in any of them. Bored I guess?
Oh yeah, I know... I'm a liar. Usually it takes longer than just 48 hours for me to be found out, but I said early Tuesday morning that I was stopping this for awhile... writing blogs I mean. Maybe sometime I will, for real. But for now maybe I still need the anonymity of writing to mostly people I do not know and those who do not know me. Strangely I find that thought somewhat comforting this morning. Anonymity... mostly it gets a bad rap but I rather like it: this morning even more so than usual.
I thought of Dickinson's short poem about being a nobody when I realized I was comforted tonight by writing to an anonymous group of other nobodies. So, just in case you feel you are a somebody and if you have gotten this far then please stop reading this blog!!! For this early morning these words and this blog should only be read by a nobody like me... writing to other nobodies: hopefully you?
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you -- Nobody -- too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise -- you know!
How dreary -- to be -- Somebody!
How public -- like a Frog --
To tell one's name -- the livelong June --
To an admiring Bog!
In the last few days I received two emails from people who had read something I had written about in two of my latest blogs. Both made several astute comments about what I had written and each also asked several questions.
One person, I guess(?) we had corresponded before and the other letter writer I know well. If either one of you are up and reading this I'm not asking you to write again? At least not now... not this morning, and not in lieu of my plea I'm putting out now. Besides, neither one of you would actually qualify for who I'm looking for this morning.
The first letter writer I suspect is actually a somebody and I could tell by the neat way she writes. And the other one I KNOW is a somebody and I hope you and your daughter are both sweetly sleeping at this early hour :)
Ok, now for the rest of you nobodies who are out there and can't sleep either... write to me or call me and we can talk. My first book I had published (because it was completely out of my character in real life) I used a pseudonym when I wrote. I used a name I had set up my email service with years before: Clark Matthews.
So, if you are a nobody and you want to write I can be reached at clarkmatthews1@aol.com. My name is Robin... and yep: I'm a guy with a name that is more commonly given for girls. If you would rather call than write I can be reached at 812-406-7708.
I mostly don't sleep and I usually have my phone nearby... so, call or write anytime: BUT only if you are only a nobody too! This morning, I'm pretty sure I couldn't deal well with any person who believes themselves to be a somebody.
Well, I stopped writing long enough to turn my hourglass over again so I can have a visual aid to help me watch my life passing. My glass sits atop my wine cooler. Hmmmmm, wine cooler: now there's an idea! I think I will drink a bit and wait to hear from someone. Seriously, if you are out there... call me!
Well, I stopped writing long enough to turn my hourglass over again so I can have a visual aid to help me watch my life passing. My glass sits atop my wine cooler. Hmmmmm, wine cooler: now there's an idea! I think I will drink a bit and wait to hear from someone. Seriously, if you are out there... call me!
To any who might read
this and can actually fall asleep then I wish you well and I so wish
I could do that also.
Night :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
A FEW THINGS ONLY
Tuesday March 25, 2014 2:09 am
FIRST: Because of my most recent blogs I received a second email, and since early last evening we have been writing back-and-forth. After we said our good-nights I wrote my answer to her most pressing questions: she had several. Verses, which at one time came so easily and readily to my mind now had to be looked up. Yet, because I felt it was important I didn't mind. Anyway, I finished just a few minutes ago, and because I'm still not sleepy and I have to be up in a bit anyway... I figured I would go ahead and write this blog now rather than waiting until later.
I hadn't talked to her in quite some time... in fact, she reminded me that since we last spoke it has been about six months!!! I started to argue that it couldn't possibly
have been that long??? But, she is one of the few people I personally know whose
memory really is better than mine... so I just shut up and agreed with her
:)
Evidently these last two blogs I wrote
struck a chord with certain people: yet, I was meaning them only for myself! Because of things like this I think I've learned to hate particular dreams, and some dates :(
SECONDLY: I suppose that (especially) because of this last
email I have decided to take a little break from writing... just not sure how
long? It could be awhile but I really don't know? I am planning to return sometime: however, because it could be awhile I do want to mark a
date now just in case I'm not back on by then... and that is April 9.
On that date it will be one year since I lost Virgil... my dear and
beloved friend!!!!!!! It has been often said that a dog is man's best friend :) My friend Virgil, was just the greatest boy ever! I had two best friend's and one of them happened to be my dog... Virgil. Now, I have just one best friend left to me :(
In my heart I felt like it would be
dishonoring him if I didn't write something about it. So, if I'm
not yet writing again at that time I want to say now, “I
miss you... and still I love you very much, Virgil!”
Thirdly: Yesterday as I was finishing that blog I
spoke about hoping the next time I wrote that perhaps I could speak of something
as innocuous and innocent as the weather? So, I guess I'll do that now. It is presently 43 degrees outside with a small southwest wind blowing. It is only cloudy now; yet, we are
expecting a small dusting of snow over the course of the next few hours.
Monday, March 24, 2014
A NICE LETTER
Monday March 24, 2014 8:29 am
I learned a lesson last night after I
got home. It was a simple lesson. It is just this: I need to be more
careful in the future when I'm cleaning out my SPAM folder. I always
do it at the end of every day and normally I just glance at the
titles before clearing everything out. Had it been a typical day
where there is a page full of them I would have probably deleted
without really looking at all. However, I guess because it was a
Sunday and there were only six I read more carefully and one of them
caught my eye and I opened it... I'm glad I did.
The lady who wrote said that she had
read my blogs for a very long time and this was the second time she
had written to me because of something I blogged. She described her
first letter to me and even though I have a decent memory all I drew
was a blank... sorry about that. I will say to her though through
this blog that if your first letter was anything like yesterdays then
I could tell you put a lot of thought into it, and I appreciate that.
Even though I closed last night and I
needed to be up early this morning I stayed awake and read every
Scripture verse she included in her nice letter... now, I'm going to
answer what she wrote and do it through this blog. This way just in
case there are any others out there who feel the same way she did
after reading what I last wrote this might help them to understand
something as well.
Her letter was full of Bible verses on
forgiveness, and in essence she thought I was too hard on myself:
point taken. However......................... now comes my answer :)
First, I also believe that God
forgives... I do! But, His forgiveness IS ALWAYS CONDITIONAL: and His
forgiveness IS NEVER RESTORATIVE! Let me explain.
Once certain conditions are met and God
truly forgives sin then it is true (as the letter writer nicely
stated) our sins are never to be remembered. And she included one of
my favorite verses: Psalm 103:12: “As far as the east is from the
west, so far hath he removed our transgression from us.” True, in
His mind once our sins are truly forgiven they are not any more
remembered by Him. However, that does NOT restore us to a position in
this life where there are no consequences still to pay because of our
actions!
Let me make up a story to help explain.
Let's say there is a man who does not take care of his body, his
temple. He treats it as an unclean thing and abuses it with
overeating, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol to drunkenness.
One day he goes to a doctor and the doctor says, “Your heart is
failing from being fat, your lungs have cancer from smoking, and you
have cirrhosis of the liver from being a drunkard... you have maybe
30 days to live?”
Now, let's say this man decides to
actually seek forgiveness from God and decides to meet God's
conditions for forgiveness. Remember, His forgiveness is always
conditional. We can't just ask for forgiveness and expect Him to
forgive without doing it the way He tells us in the Bible that we
must.
First, He never forgives without
repentance! I think any person who reads their Bible at all knows
this is true, right? It's true of our initial salvation and it's true
of every sin we ask forgiveness for after being saved... repentance
is always a must! I would imagine most believers already know this
but the problem with many people... including my kind letter writer
of last evening (please don't get upset with me for saying this) does
not understand what the Bible means when it speaks of “repentance.”
Repentance IS NOT being sorry for sin!
Let me repeat that, repentance IS NOT being sorry for sin! If
repentance is being sorry for anything... and especially sin then you
serve a God who by His own words is a sinner! Do you believe that He
is? Of course not! Yet, numerous verses throughout the entire Bible
records that God often “repents!”
The reason, repentance for God and us
mere mortals always means a “change of direction.” That's all,
simply a change of direction. Just one example... but there are
dozens like this in the Bible when God “repented.” Hezekiah was
going to die and the Lord sent His prophet to inform him to put his
house in order and prepare for his death. Hezekiah cried and begged
for more life... God heard his cries and REPENTED (changed His
direction) and granted Hezekiah more life.
So, if our overeating, cigarette
smoking, drunkard wants forgiveness he must repent, right? OK, now
read carefully what causes true repentance before God... it's rather
simple really. Carefully read II Corinthians verses 10 and 11. Ready,
“... godly sorrow worketh repentance...” You can never just be
“sorry” for what you have done because it makes you feel bad? Or,
“sorry” because you are sick or caught? Or even “sorry” for
hurting other people. The only “sorrow” that God recognizes is
“godly sorrow.” In other words, are you sorry for having offended
God? Is your shame of your sin for having wronged Him?
You see if you have often asked God to
forgive you for some sin and then as the dog returns to its own vomit
you keep returning to your same sin, it is because you have never
experienced godly sorrow. You've only been sorry or ashamed for
yourself and that type of shame allows you to keep sinning the very
same sin over and over and over!
Now, here is the most terrible part!
Because you keep returning to that same sin you have never
repented... not scripturally, because that would mean that you have
changed direction! And when God sees you on your knees asking His
forgiveness: then He looks into your future and still sees the same
dog returning to its own vomit, then He knows you are lying, and
unrepentant, and no forgiveness is ever granted! Believe me... I
SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE!!!
Think about this: that is the story of
the woman taken in the very act of adultery and brought before Jesus
(John chapter 8) to see what He would do with her? He forgave her
right? I mean, did He not say, “...Neither do I condemn thee...”
So, the short answer and what most believers do is they want to stop
there and imagine He always forgives without conditions... and that
is simply a lie!
The woman caught in the act of
adultery, as all people are... is ONLY FORGIVEN when conditions are
met! Her forgiveness was given only if she met what He next said:
“... go, and sin no more.” Now, let me ask you a question, “As
God, don't you believe Christ knew what He asked of her was
impossible... sin NO MORE!” Yes, because we are sinners, that is
impossible!
So, Jesus was not telling her to never
sin again or there was no forgiveness... BUT, He was telling her to
NEVER AGAIN COMMIT ADULTERY, as that was the ONLY sin He was
presently forgiving! He was simply saying not to return to that sin
that she was brought to Him for: then she would have His forgiveness.
Remember, without repentance or that change of direction there is no
forgiveness!
However, when you experience “godly
sorrow” then you will repent and change direction! So, when He sees
you confess and are shamed by your sins because of what they Have
DONE TO HIM (godly sorrow)... now, He looks into your future and sees
you have truly repented (never going back to that oft repeated sin)
and He does forgive! BUT... you knew one of those was
coming, right? He still DOES NOT RESTORE... there are still
consequences to pay in this life. Let me illustrate with our
overeater.
This man looks at his fat belly, his
abuse of cigarettes and alcohol and suddenly he feels great shame for
what he has done to the temple (body) God gave him. For the first
time he experiences “godly sorrow” and he is ashamed for how he
has sinned against God! Now this real sorrow causes him to experience
true repentance and he and God both know that never again will he
overeat, smoke, or drink alcohol to excess. So, God forgives... true
and lasting: east from west type forgiveness never again to be
remembered! Great, right? It is... YET, the man will still die in 30
days from overeating, cigarette smoking, and drunkenness. There are
still consequences in this life too pay!!! That's what I mean by even
being given true east from west type forgiveness from God because of
godly sorrow repenting... many things in this life sadly do not
change :(
So, even if I experience godly sorrow
for having lain with all those women and repent, and receive His
forgiveness... the consequences remain! And the consequence is that I
am still causing their husbands to live in a constant state of
adultery with their own wives!!! We must never forget the laws of
sowing and reaping. You will always reap far more than you sow! (I
mean, this early summer when you set out your garden and you cast the
first few small seeds into the ground: remember this blog and this
lesson... you will get far more out of the ground then you put into
the ground. The same is true of sin!)
I have a former pastor who often used a
great saying: “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep
you longer than you want to stay, and make you pay more than you want
to pay!”
Think about it... what is the greatest
sin in your life? Do you remember when it first started? Of course it
started in your heart and mind long before you acted on it, but do
you remember that very first sinful act from your worst sin! (You
know, the thought that quickly entered your mind when I just asked,
“what is the greatest sin in your life?”) Didn't this sin happen
because you did not heed Proverbs 1:10: “My son (daughter) if
sinners entice thee consent thou not.”
So, yes... to my letter writer: I
believe God forgives: BUT, only if it is through godly sorrow for sin
that brings about a true change of direction. Otherwise we are just
that damnable mutt who forever keeps licking up his own bile. AND,
forgiveness yes... but restoration... NEVER! Because the law of
sowing and reaping still remains in effect.
Finally, With few exceptions I have
some idea of what I'm going to write about before I set down to type.
I knew on Saturday what I was wanting to type for Yesterday's blog,
and because of my email yesterday I had some idea of what I was going
to write this morning. But, I have no idea what my next one might be
on? I am writing this part though to say that I hope it isn't more of
this??? They say that confession is good for the soul? Maybe, but all
it does for me is to remind me of the life I've lived and the many I
have hurt along the way. So, maybe the next time I write it will just
be about the weather or something like that. I'm tired of remembering
and reminding myself of how I've lived.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
40
Sunday March 23, 2014 12:01 am
A well-worn and overused idiom states,
“time flies when you're having fun.” However, I'm living proof
that time flies whether or not you're having fun: and with this blog
I will prove that.
It's confession time for me and I will
now confess certain of my sins. I do it because I should... I guess?
But I will do it as I have done when I tried writing a book about
myself. That is I will confess only my own sins... I would never try
and confess for another person. I think all of us will either come to
that or we won't? Now, when you read about this please remember... I
never said I was any good.
Also I'm only going to be writing about
one particular type of sin... and that is because of today's date and
what that date has to do with my life.
40 year ago today we were 'legally
married,' that is according to the sovereign state of California.
Although, Biblically speaking we were “married” the summer before
and not long after we met and by then... I had had many wives, and
there were several of them I never even learned their names. And this
fact about having wives is true even though I never walked down an
aisle or sought the state's permission to marry. (That is a pretty
sobering thought really, that is if you carry it out to its logical
conclusion... and if you are a Bible believer? Matthew 5:31-32,
Matthew 19:9, Luke 16:18, Romans 7:3... and probably 2 dozen more
passages which all teach the “... two shall become one flesh...”
principle and doctrine.)
I wonder how many men out there, if
they only knew I had “known” their wives before them that I would
be a curse word on their lips every day that they live!!! And simply
because their “wives” and I had known each other before! And now,
because of that... EVERY SINGLE TIME time they innocently lay down
with the woman they believe is theirs, they are committing
adultery... even if they are unaware!
That is of course if God recognizes
marriage today the same way He recognized EVERY SINGLE “marriage”
recorded in the Bible. Here is just one example, but every SINGLE
TIME you read of a marriage they are married the same way. In the
dark, in a tent or someplace like that. “And Isaac Brought her into
his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, (“took Rebekah” means
they had sexual intercourse) and she became
his wife...” (Genesis 24:67) Notice, no marriage before
entering the tent but clearly married while in the tent: and that
without ceremony, or any type of formal wedding party.
Sadly not only does the physical act of
sexual congress between two people create a marriage, it also
Biblically ends one as well. That is if either spouse commits
adultery (lays down with another) after having joined themselves to
someone beforehand. Paul is admonishing the saved when he uses the
one flesh doctrine. I Corinthians 6:16: “What? Know ye not that he
which is joined to an harlot is one body? For two, saith he, (God)
shall be one flesh.” (United in marriage.)
So, adultery (Biblically) ends a
marriage and that is the only cause (fornication/adultery) which
allows for a “writing of divorcement.” And if anyone doubts that
see what God said was the reason He “divorced” Israel. Jeremiah
3:8: “And I saw, when for all the causes wherein backsliding Israel
committed adultery I had put her away and had given her a bill of
divorce...” Notice why God divorced Israel... for the same sins as
her “sister” Juda! “... yet the treacherous Judah was not
afraid, but went and played the harlot also herself.” In this
example you will read further that they “committed adultery” by
giving their selves to other “gods.” We, (humans) commit adultery
by giving (joining) our bodies to others instead of only to our
spouses.
Perhaps the greatest example is the
woman with “five husbands” that the Lord rebukes. Be sure and
notice that she wasn't attempting to lie to Jesus, it is just that
she did not understand what constituted “marriage” in His eyes.
Jesus was teaching on the subject of “living water” and a woman
heard Him and asked for this water... now read carefully what
follows. John 4:15-18: “The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this
water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw. Jesus saith
unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither.”
At this point she does not know He is
God... she only called him, “Sir.” So, she is not trying to lie
and rather innocently she states that she has no husband, listen to
her words. (verse 17) “The woman answered and said, “...I have no
husband...” She only knows there has never been a wedding party and
she has never been given away and had no marriage feast. She
ignorantly believes that is what makes a marriage?
But listen to the words of Christ... He
sort of agrees with her about not having “A” (meaning only one
husband) as He states: “ ...Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well
said, I have no husband...” Now, read very carefully His
conclusion. Verse 18: “For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom
thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.” Be
sure and see that Jesus did not say she only had sex with just five
men... HE CALLED ALL OF THEM, “HER HUSBANDS!”
He also was not
meaning she simply had sex with five men who were already married.
Because He was clear to point out that ONLY the last... or her sixth
husband... was not her own!!!!! (This man was presently married to
another.)
This woman had had sexual intercourse
(two shall become one flesh) with five different men thereby making
her “married” to five men, and the “husband” she now was
having sex with was already married to another. So, in the eyes of
God she now had six husbands and all without a wedding party, guests,
papers or anything other then having joined her body in intercourse
with six different men.
I write this for two reasons. First to
point out that this “two becoming one flesh marriage doctrine”
applies to everyone... saved or not. This woman at the well was NOT a
believer during the time she had her five husbands... yet, all were
recognized by God as having been her husband and “married” to
her. So, this is true of lost and saved alike as to what constitutes
a Biblical marriage.
Secondly, I also write this because I
guess I need to admit that I have had many “wives” in my lifetime
and because of that I have caused many men who might otherwise even
have been “Godly” men... to commit adultery. And they could be
completely unaware that I knew their wives either before, or several
girls... even after them! Even the five husbands of the woman at the
well were all living in a state of adultery because of her, even if
they did not know each other.
As for me though in my own day and
bringing this all to the present... every time these men hold their
wives and have a physical relationship (because of my past with their
present wives) they are committing adultery! And they have no idea
whatsoever!!! They are guilty of the sin of adultery because they are
having sex with a woman who has been with another already!
The only way this is not true is if the
Bible is not true!!! Because if you begin with Adam and Eve and EVERY
man and woman who followed after them in the Bible and read how they
were “married” in the eyes of God, you will see there was never a
paper from a state, and many never even had guests or a party... it
was just sexual congress and God recorded that was what caused “two
to become one flesh.” Now married in His eyes and that is why the
Bible says, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man
put asunder.” God joins two people together through them having
sexual intercourse, and men and women put that asunder by committing
adultery with another person beside their spouse.
In Deuteronomy chapter 22 you will see
that it was of great importance that a girl be a virgin before she
was given to a man. Read 22:13-22 and you will see that the family of
the virgin actually kept the sheet she lay on the first time she had
intercourse with the man to prove that she bled and had been a virgin
and was never “married” before. This was called, “... The
tokens of the damsel's virginity.”
Anyway, my admission is simple. I admit
I have many, many, many times committed adultery from my youth and
upward and have caused many men to live in a constant state of
adultery along with their wives... even if the men are completely
ignorant of this truth! Their wives, however, know. At least they
know they have been with me.
My admission does no good really. I
wouldn't even know the people to go back and attempt to apologize.
Besides, that would do no good whatsoever. It is never possible to
undo what has been done! But I would encourage you if you read this
and have children to teach them the importance of remaining chaste
before they meet and fall in love with just that “ONE” person.
Otherwise, when that person does come along who they would give
anything in life to be with... they now would force that person, if
they chose to have a preacher call them married, to live in a state
of continual sin just by being with them... that is because they had
previously joined their body to another.
Finally just to further prove that it
has always been sexual intercourse that makes a marriage and also
breaks a marriage read “Marriage Laws” from the United States,
and carefully read our Annulment Laws.
According to American law there are a
few reasons given that an annulment can take place. Keep in mind that
an annulment is far different from a divorce... an annulment, simply
stated is that a marriage never even took place! Now our country
recognizes several possible reasons whereas God just sees one, and of
course that is intercourse. But under annulment in our own laws it
states, “... physical incapacity to consummate the marriage...”
Notice, even after the state grants its permission, gives a license,
a service has taken place, guests attend, and someone officially
declares them husband and wife!!! Yet, if intercourse does not follow
this “marriage,” then this marriage is considered never to have
happened! (This couple could have exchanged a thousand, “I love
you(s)” kissed, touched and done many other acts which would
intimate love for each other... but without intercourse there is no
marriage!)
Again, sexual intercourse both in the
eyes of God and the laws of America agree on this point that it is
what creates a marriage... and adultery, (fornication) both in the
eyes of God and in American law is also what breaks a marriage and
calls for a bill of divorcement to be given!
So, today I continually live the life
of a fallen man and by my actions and the consent of the women they
now call “their wives” I force these (unnamed, unknown to me, and
faceless) men to live in a constant state of adultery: as every time
they lay down with their wives they are adulterers once again! And
they are completely ignorant that this is happening to them and I am
the cause! For that, I am truly sorry!!!
I've known all day today I was going to
write something like this for Sunday and my 40th state sanctioned
anniversary date and I figured I wouldn't sleep all that well? So now
it is 11:33 pm and I'm just waiting until midnight as Saturday
officially rolls into Sunday and I will post this.
Friday, March 21, 2014
MINE WOULD BE YOU
Friday
March 21, 2014 10:29 pm
There
are times I hear songs or read poems and I think, “I wish I had
thought of that.” This song is one of those. Certain words and phrases (were I writing them) I could not have found any words better to express myself than what this song says. There are a few examples in this song but the next to last stanza is one that is sad, yet... perfect :(
"Mine
Would Be You"
What's
your all time high, your good as it gets?
Your hands down best ever make-up sex?
What's your guilty pleasure, your old go to?
Well if you asked me, mine would be you
What's your worst hangover, your best night yet?
Your 90 proof, your Marlboro Red?
The best damn thing you lucked into
That's easy girl, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you
What's your double dare, your go all in?
The craziest thing you ever did?
Plain as your name in this tattoo
Look on my arm, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you
What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?
You got it baby, mine would be you
Yeah you got it baby, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Taillights fading
Daylight breaking
Standing there like a fool
When I should've been running
Yellin' out something
To make you wanna hold on to
The best love ever
Girl, can you tell me
The one thing you'd rather die than lose?
Cause mine would be you
Mine would be you, you
Your hands down best ever make-up sex?
What's your guilty pleasure, your old go to?
Well if you asked me, mine would be you
What's your worst hangover, your best night yet?
Your 90 proof, your Marlboro Red?
The best damn thing you lucked into
That's easy girl, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you
What's your double dare, your go all in?
The craziest thing you ever did?
Plain as your name in this tattoo
Look on my arm, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Sun keeps shining, back road flying
Singing like crazy fools
Making up our own words
Laughing 'til it hurts
Baby, if I had to choose
My best day ever
My finest hour, my wildest dream come true
Mine would be you
What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?
You got it baby, mine would be you
Yeah you got it baby, mine would be you
Mine would be you
Taillights fading
Daylight breaking
Standing there like a fool
When I should've been running
Yellin' out something
To make you wanna hold on to
The best love ever
Girl, can you tell me
The one thing you'd rather die than lose?
Cause mine would be you
Mine would be you, you
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
RAIN RAIN GO AWAY!!!
Wednesday March 19, 2014 1:02 pm
It's raining outside, still cool... and
just one day from springtime. “Mother Nature” is less predictable
than ever and acting ever more like Sybil. I would like to see a few
days in a row where I can get out and begin enjoying the things I
most like. Normally I like rain, but even for me enough is enough.
For today I'm going to imagine I'm like the Sakkaros family and rain
is anathema to me. Even though in real life I'm quite the opposite of
sugar :)
On another note as of this morning I
have 40 days and 40 nights to reach what should be the easiest goal I
have set for myself, and that is to simply be at a designated weight
I think would be best for me at my age. Continuing with the thought
of rain... if God can completely destroy the Earth in that time-span
surely that ought to be an ample length of days for me to attain this
one rather simple weight loss goal!
Seriously, if a person can not control
what we eat... what hope is there then of ever accomplishing anything
of any real importance in our lives? (I am simply writing these
thoughts today as a means of chiding myself as I must read them
before posting and to remind myself how very easy this ought to be!)
I'm off to work in a few minutes as
both today and tomorrow I work my most hated shift... that of
closing. However, if there is a bright spot (though small) it is that
I am off Friday and apart from one appointment my day should be my
own. Although it never seems as if that is the case for me, but we
shall see?
I hope all who reads this blog today
has a really nice day.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
A NICE SNOWY DAY :)
Sunday March 16, 2014 7:49 pm
Well, as of tomorrow I have EXACTLY six
weeks left to reach my goal weight... and this time for me it is do
or die! (Lol) I will start my 42 day countdown beginning in the
morning :)
I found a miracle weight loss aid that
really works but it is very, very, expensive! I think each bottle
will last about two weeks and the cost is... ready for this? It is
about .99 cents!!! LOL
I know, crazy, huh? It is simply apple
cider vinegar but it really is helping. I have been stuck where I'm
at for a long time and now I see it working again as I'm starting to
drop weight. Now I don't do it exactly as I read... so maybe that's
the difference? The sites I had gone to suggested 1 to 2 tablespoons
daily. However, I have a friend who believes that if a little of
something is good... well, then more just has to be better! So, I
have been following her advice. I take 3 tablespoons with whatever I
eat the first time I eat each day... and 3 more tablespoons with whatever I
eat last in the day.
One more bit of news. I had called and
canceled my tattoo for the first day of fall which would have been
next Friday. Something had come up and I was unsure at that time
whether or not I wanted to go through with it? Then, my situation
changed again a little more than a week ago and I knew for sure I
wanted it. However, when I called him back he had already filled that
date.
Anyway, I confirmed a little while ago
that I have a new date for my anchor tattoo... April 27th!!!
Yayyyyy!!!!!!! So, hopefully I will have reached my goal weight on
that day and will have a new tattoo on my right (inner) forearm...
life is good! See, I'm a fairly simple man, it doesn't really take a
lot to make me happy.
In many ways I have everything in life
I want to be happy... except just one thing!!! But, dear God: it
is a big thing :(
One last thing... it's snowing outside
and beginning to fall heavily. I am so ready for springtime! I just checked my weather app and it's 30 degrees and snowing here, and it's also 30 degrees and snowing in my favorite place in all the world :) I hope
all who reads this has a great night!
Friday, March 14, 2014
VIRGIL... MY DEAR FRIEND'S 13TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday March 14, 2014 9:08 am
Had my lovely young “son” lived he
would be 13 years old today. I miss him terribly! Once, many years
ago I thought God was supposed to give me a son, and even though I
might have misunderstood something I dreamed... in a sense and many
years later He still gave me my little boy.
Even though I loved Virgil and always
tried so hard to be good to him, he still gave to me more than I
could ever have given him. He was just a GREAT little guy and days
when I allow myself to dwell on and just think of him it still tears
my heart out.
Although God answers to no one and I
have so many sins to give account of to Him it probably doesn't seem
right to admit? However, if it's in my heart and He knows my thoughts
then it's not like it's hidden from Him anyway. But I will always
feel like it was Him who made a breach in our relationship: for two
reasons... and one of them has to do with Virgil.
I have always known it is the right of
God to give life... or to take it. Yet, even knowing this I was
desperately heartbroken as I watched Virgil become more and more
sick, and all those months as I watched him being sick I constantly
prayed for his healing. Yet, when I could tell he was in great pain and it no longer looked like he would get well I
used to kiss him on his head goodnight, and then I would pull him
close to me as he slept and I would ask God to “please” just
mercifully take him in his sleep. But, He never did it even though
Virgil was in a lot of pain :( :( :(
Finally when I could no longer stand
seeing him hurting I was the one who had to take him and hold him
tightly against me while the vet ended his life! At least for awhile
I think I hated God for not doing His job and making me raise my own
hand against one of the two friends in my life I count the dearest.
I guess I'm going to stop writing now
because it just makes me angry at God all over again for making me do
what should have only been done by Him.
Anyway, I miss my little boy who was
just the most wonderful, faithful, loving creature God ever gave the
breath of life! I miss you Virgil!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 09, 2014
CATCHING UP
Sunday March 9, 2014 10:54 pm
It's true, no one knows what a day will
bring. I used to very much enjoy weekends off: I looked forward to
them a great deal. But, not so much lately and I just had two days
off and yesterday began and I figured it was just SSDD and my life
was not heading in a good direction. BUT, sometimes change comes
quickly... is completely unexpected, but very welcome :)
Tomorrow I'm back to the grind... work:
ugh! However, even that doesn't seem (at least for now) like quite
the drag it usually is. Also I'm not typically a great shopper, and
by that I simply mean I'm an impatient shopper. Today was a little
different and I had fun looking for some things.
I wanted to quickly tell everyone of a
new type diet I'm trying to see if it can speed things up for me in
reaching my goals. I just started this last week and so far the
results are good and in a few weeks (the end of April) I'll tell you
how everything worked. But, three days of each week I am juicing with
extremely small caloric intake for the day. Last week I only had two
of these days because I started on a Wednesday. But to give an
example, last Wednesday I had 240 calories for the entire day and
Thursday I had just 270 calories for the entire day.
Anyway since tomorrow will be the start
of a full week I will lay out my plans. The first three days will be
juice only with very small calorie content. Then, the next two days I
won't be counting calories as much but it will be 100% vegan and
solid food will be allowed. Then for the weekend I will be eating
whatever I want (within reason) and it will be strictly vegetarian
but not strictly vegan. Then, I would start over again on the next
Monday.
So, I have about 8 weeks to reach my
goal weight and I will keep everyone apprised of how this is going.
Good luck to any and all who reads this if you too are trying to
accomplish any goals in your life as well. I used to believe that
diet should be the easiest of all things to accomplish because after
all we are in control and choose what we eat? But, it really isn't
that simple... or even if it is that simple it still isn't that easy.
I hope all who reads this has a good
night and a great day tomorrow. In the morning on my way to work I
have one errand to attend and then I have a busy day slated for
tomorrow on the job... night everyone :)
Thursday, March 06, 2014
HONESTLY: I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND... NOW, I THINK I DO!!!
Thursday March 6, 2014 7:04 pm
I was driving home tonight from work
and talking to God. I really no longer ought to call it prayer as
that isn't even remotely close? I think it is more like arguing? But
in the end usually all that I hear when I ask “Why” is my own
stupid voice resonating within the car.
Today it started because I am going to
a funeral tomorrow of a really good kid. I usually hate death...
except for one person I know and I long for his demise! I wanted to
say that upfront so any who might read this will know I'm not a good
person, and neither am I pretending otherwise. But, it's just that
some men's deeds are so bad they have forfeited their right to
continue breathing the same good air which decent men breathe.
If I'm alive and I ever hear the news
that this bastard is dead, for only the second time in my life I will
do my little “happy dance” before God! And I will praise Him that
finally this man can no longer hurt innocent people. I swear if at
that time I hear that wonderful news and I happen to be on my own
deathbed, I will stand upon my two bare feet (hospital gown and all)
and dance and play before God with all of my strength!
Kerry, was the young man from work who
died suddenly in a car crash on Monday and I said to God on my way
home, “Why, why couldn't it have been that old S.O.B. instead?”
Why couldn't he have died in a fiery crash ten years ago and the
world could have been done with him forever! And maybe... just
maybe??? For the first time in quite some time I might have gotten my
answer from God?
I Kings
19:11-12: “And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before
the Lord. And, behold,
the Lord passed by, and
a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the
rocks before the Lord;
but the Lord was not in
the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord
was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the
Lord was not in the
fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”
Today in the car, I didn't hear a
“still small voice,” instead I heard my mom's voice telling a
story I hadn't thought of a single time in more than 50 years! My mom
did some bookkeeping for a crotchety old man who owned a store in St.
Mary's, West Virginia. In all the time I used to be there with her
and hear people talk I never heard (not one time) any person say a
good thing about this man. He seemed to be pretty much despised by
everyone.
My mom had gone there to get her last
pay because she was quitting and we were going to a funeral after
that. I was six or seven and the man who died seemed old to me but he was actually somewhat young... maybe only in his forties? I'm
not sure but I'm saying that because I remember Mom saying he was
about Dad's age (and looking back now) that's how old Dad would have been at that time.
As mom was getting her check she finally told the old guy what she
thought of him.
I remember she told him that he was a thief and a sinner
and he cheated people in his store all the time. He shot back and
said, “Lady, I can't sin... Jesus died for my sins.” Mom told him
that he would get his in due time and we walked out of the store. In
the car she told me that it was evil men like him who hid behind God
but they were really the worst type of men.
Anyway, we left there and had gone to
the funeral home and someone said to Mom how could something like
this happen to the guy who had died and the old man in town
everyone disliked seemed like he would live for ever? In my car today
and in my mind as clear as a bell I could hear my mom say, “God
doesn't want him, and the devil already has too many just like him!”
I thought, “Wow!” A person can do certain bad things that might
cause God to not want them and the devil already had hell full of
people just like them! So, maybe I had my answer after all from a
story I heard once, and that 50 years ago. For I know a person who
fits that perfectly: old, and a degenerate sinner who needs to die...
and yet lives on!
Then there is poor Kerry, a young black
man who was universally liked. He was a college graduate and said
recently he was going back to school at Kentucky to do undergraduate
work. He was decent, moral and just an upright young man who any
person would have been proud had he been their son! So, as I was
arguing (praying, take your pick) with God and wanting an answer to
my simple question? Why does a young, good, boy die and there are men
like the one I know still living and one who by his actions is evil!
Then, in my mom's voice I really think I had my answer from God.
So, I still was not given an answer as
to “Why did Kerry die?” But I think I now know why the other old
man still lives? God doesn't want him... and hell is nearly full of
old men exactly like him!
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
APPARENTLY... SOME MUST THINK IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
Tuesday March 4, 2014 2:01 pm
In less than two hours we all have a
meeting at Tammy's house about an upcoming adoption... hopefully in
the very near future :) Then after I get everyone back home I'm going
to the gym for a bit. I've been stymied at a certain plateau for
awhile now and regardless what I try I haven't seen a lot of
movement. So, I read an article early this morning (on-line) about
trying some small changes in a routine and possibly seeing big
results because of it? Anyway, I'm up to trying anything at this
point.
A few minutes ago I was going through
my phone and deleting some old pictures and I saw this one I snapped
a couple of days ago at Meijer's, and I thought I would upload it to
show everyone. It's funny but in this part of the country just a few
inches of snow on the ground sends everyone scrambling to the store
for bread and milk! I would like to remind everyone: it's not yet the
end of the world and there really will be more trucks arriving
carrying fresh supplies and it isn't necessary to buy two weeks
supply of bread at one time, People are nuts! LOL
One last thing. This is a "fun" fact I read a few minutes ago and I thought I would pass it on. Did you know the actress Betty White REALLY IS OLDER than sliced bread... seriously: by six years!
I lied... another "last thing." I watched Nebraska last night... depressing and boring all the way through. In more than one scene there were rooms full of old people who looked like death warmed over. I turned to Deb and said, "I swear to God I NEVER want to live to be old enough to look like a single one of them!" It was horrible... ghastly!!! She thought I was joking... but I assured her that I was (and am) completely serious!
EUREKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday March 4. 2014 7:40 am
I SWEAR... I had a breakthrough early
this morning after another long, AND VERY COLD walk long before the
sunrise. It all came to me so suddenly that I literally stopped
walking and I think even forgot to breathe for several seconds!
I started back home as fast as I could
and all morning I've been trying to find addresses and a way to
contact certain people. Reagan is dead so he's out of the question
(lol) but thankfully Mutt Lange is still around and I wrote to him
already... just haven't heard anything back yet.
This all started 24 years ago for me
and I have been completely without answers and I felt like I had to
be the crazy one and others I talked to were the people with great
insight and they were the only ones who would be able to help me? I now know
better, for the first time I actually know better.
It started more than two decades ago
and it was brought to a head in my mind last evening as I had a good
evening but one that wasn't really good? I know... hard to
understand, right? Lol
Anyway I now know it's like I've have
been trying to explain sight... to someone born blind. And this now
EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!! For the first time I now understand why people
are faithless. I now know why in marriage people lie and cheat. I was
always torn up inside and could not come to terms with this... now,
it ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE!
I will write about this in more detail
someday... but for now I still need to await a response from my early
morning queries before I am able to more fully explain.
I hope all who reads this has a good
day. Me, not so much... I'm off to the doctors as I have one more
place that needs burnt off... OUCH, it stings! hahahaha
Monday, March 03, 2014
SNOW, ICE, AND OTHER THINGS
Monday March 3, 2014 2:29 pm
Well, my vacation time off for the end
of this month and the beginning of next month has been approved: so,
if everything else goes according to plan I will be heading to Hilton
Head with two of my small grandchildren in a few weeks :)
I just got home from running a few
errands and I had a good workout at Planet Fitness... with one more
planned later on today: and then it's a shower, change of clothes and
a planned evening out with some friends for awhile. Not sure exactly
where we will end up... but we are starting at Riverside Cigar Shop &
Lounge. (I just verified by phone that in spite of the ice and snow
that they are keeping regular hours, and they are.)
I am wanting to get back to sometimes
posting videos but for some odd reason with my new phone as it is
“compressing” my videos in order to “save” they will work fine to
forward: however, as I upload them to my blog they are failing to
work properly. I'm hoping to get that corrected within the next few
weeks so once my tattoo is nearly complete I will record a short
video of the finishing touches being applied and upload that. If I
can't get that fixed I will at least upload a still picture or two?
This morning when I first had gone out
for a walk it was still yet dark. (I haven't been sleeping and the
early morning walks help me to think about things.) It was beautiful
when I first stepped out! I very much like snowfall when it's still
pristine and unspoiled by traffic or footprints.
Of course, after a bit I looked behind
me and saw where my steps had already spoiled it for the next person
who might have wanted to also see it in perfect condition. But that's
life, right? I mean, what we do ourselves for personal enjoyment
almost always spoils something for another, right? I think I see that
as a metaphor for life... things are beautiful until we do something
that ruins everything!
But that's just life, so I thought...
*&%$.. %*!!! Whoever that person is who follows me and doesn't
like the things that I do is just going to have to get over it the
same way I have: suck it up and move on!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Anyway, that's my heartfelt advice for
the day: whatever happens to you that you hate just suck it up and move on!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 01, 2014
THIS & THAT
Saturday March 1, 2014 10:46 pm
I just got home from Missy and Brian's and I had a drink and smoked a cigar... as always it was fun.
The cigar Brian smoked was a 60 ring cigar... mine was much more
modest in size. His would simply take far too long for me to smoke :)
I also got my appointment confirmed with Darin for my next tattoo: it is Friday March 21st. This time I hope it doesn't fall through. I like doing things like this on days I deem important and unless I'm willing to wait more than a month for another one this is it for awhile.
I also got my appointment confirmed with Darin for my next tattoo: it is Friday March 21st. This time I hope it doesn't fall through. I like doing things like this on days I deem important and unless I'm willing to wait more than a month for another one this is it for awhile.
My first tattoo was a “rose” and I
got that on September 22, 2012 which was the first full day of fall
that year. My second tattoo was of my dear friend Virgil and I got
that on November 12, 2013. And this tattoo of my anchor I have
scheduled for the first full day of spring this year.
I am off Monday and Tuesday and I have
a few workout sessions planned both days (with a friend) as I'm
trying to push toward a goal I set for myself with the earnest hope
that I will accomplish it this time: then Monday night I am going to
a new (for me) cigar bar with some different people from work. I'm
now on the hunt for something different to try Tuesday night but so
far I haven't decided what that is going to be?
It's possible I am driving to Hilton
Head for a couple of days in early April but I have to make sure I
can get off work first. I'm putting in for it in the morning. Can
anyone else believe that we are already at the start of a new month.
In 30 days ¼ of this new year will already be over! Yep, life is
scary fast and over so very quickly! So, I finally decided if there
are things I still want to see or do I'm no longer waiting. Robert
Frost wrote, Acquainted with the Night:
I have been one acquainted with the
night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.
I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.
I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,
But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky
Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.
I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.
I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,
But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky
Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have long time known that poem in my
life, and I don't mean know it in the sense of being able to recite
it... that I can still do. I mean I have lived it. But, no more, I
guess I've had enough and it's time: past time really to try
something new or different. And if there really is nothing new or
different to at least re-acquaint myself with things I long ago
enjoyed. And perhaps see if they will seem new and as fun for me as
they did the first time I learned them.
All day today I've been thinking that I
feel like Irving's character Rip Van Winkle. I even have “Dame”
to garner support for my hypothesis :) Except my sleep was somewhat
different than his because mine was self-imposed: but Rip was tricked
into his slumber. (Also mine has been longer than his by several
years... but no more!) I now choose to come awake. For good or bad
until the day I begin that long sleep... you know, the holding your
breath forever kind :) I have finally decided to change certain long
held ideas of myself and strike out in a different direction. From
time to time as things change in my life I will probably add a few
comments about it along the way. For now though and for this blog I
will say no more about it, and the next time I write it will
hopefully be on a different subject altogether.
Any and all who might read this I hope
you have a good night.